June 2005
Ferris Wheels and... the Zipper.
So there's this Michael Jackson jury deliberation thing going on, right? Well, as I was stumbling around the Wikipedia last night in a 3am haze, I did come across a rather amusing find - a seemingly authentic map of Neverland Ranch.
We find first an image of Mr Jackson on the top left; apparently his handlers got a lucky Santa Maria artist to produce an acrylic-on-canvas rendering of Michael as a pajama-clad 7-year-old. Now I recall seeing some old tapes of the Jackson 5 back in the day. I've seen the Jackson 5 Saturday morning cartoon. (Or maybe it was the Brady Kids. Weren't they all supposed to be ghosts, and didn't they hang out with giant talking Chinese pandas?) Yet I don't recall Michael Jackson (the youth) resembling Webster with a Captain EO haircut.
But I guess everyone is entitled to their own idyllicized vision of their youth. For example, back when I was 8, I had a crush on Punky Brewster, so I fantasized that I was George Gaynes, just because those two had such a great rapport onscreen. I was a stupid kid.
Anyway, another thing that caught my eye was just the sheer diversity of attractions. How can he introduce some of these to these parents that are chaperoning their kids, with a straight face? "Want to head over to Club KISS? Or how about we mosey on over to the Red Bull Lounge? Okay, it's not so much a lounge per se, as it actually is a... tent. Um. (nervous giggling)"
And come on, he had to point out Swings (#33)? He was on a roll with the serpentariums and massage therapy centers. Kind of a letdown, if you ask me.
Lastly, I'd pay $10 to find out just what the lone bear (#46) is thinking right now. "Dammit, I'm the friggin state animal here. They put my ass on the state quarter. I'm friggin going extinct here. Of the hundreds of bears they had toss into this pit with a goddamn bunch of orangutans, they had my ass. If those lil bastards come a petting, I'll be biting chunks off them. FFS."
Taxi Driver: The Video Game
A little while back, it was reported that, in an effort to simultaneously irk both conservative groups and film purists, Martin Scorcese's 1976 film Taxi Driver will be made into a video game, just in time for the film's 30th anniversary. Presumably, you inhabit De Niro's character. (Hopefully, assuming the Albert Brooks persona and seeing the world through his eyes will just be one of many "unlockables" found in the game.)
Two comments:
1. This announcement probably has John Hinckley doing some serious life reassessment.
2. If they make this a First-Person Shooter in the style of Doom or Half-Life, I will be sorely disappointed. And if they go for the Third-Person Run-Around-and-Karate-Chop-Things format (i.e. Grand Theft Auto), then they're not even trying. The only format that would do this game justice would be the beloved Sierra 3D Animated Adventure format. Maybe something like:
Oh, and it's not just about the superlative graphics. Taxi Driver Quest's gameplay could reach levels of immersion not seen since 1986:
You are standing outside the Palantine Campaign Headquarters. Just then, a tall blonde looking suspiciously like Cybill Shephard exits the building. She smooths out a stray strand of golden hair as she looks towards the sky.
] TAKE LADY OUT ON DATE TO PORN MOVIE
You do not have "LADY" in your inventory. See your inventory by pressing Ctrl+I.
] TALK TO LADY
You're not close enough.
] WALK CLOSER TO LADY
I do not understand.
] IMPRESS LADY
What do you mean?
] I MEAN, DO SOMETHING THAT WOULD MAKE HER SMILE OR SOMETHING
You're not close enough.
] GYEAHHHHGHGHHG [slam fist on desk, head-butt computer screen]
Let's just hope it sells well - it could lead to video game remakes of other Scorcese films, like The Age of Innocence and Kundun. Oh, and maybe an actual film sequel.
Inappropriate Commercial Songs
Slate recently ran an article about the inappropriate use of music in commercials. They point to the apparently non-ironic use of "Sixteen Tons" in that new GE commercial with the coal mine supermodels.
Mismatches like these have bothered me in the past, I'll admit. The strangest collision between song and message in recent memory? Sixpence None the Richer's "There She Goes" on a commercial for The Pill. (note: WMV file)
"There she goes? There she goes again? And I just can't contain the feeling that remains?" What does that mean?! Well, she's "racing through my brain", if one listens carefully enough - not "pulling my train", as a later lyric suggests. But it still doesn't quite explain the band's presence here - isn't Sixpence None the Richer a Christian band? Nonetheless, the subliminal imagery scattered throughout the commercial is pretty amusing - the quick cut to the peacock, for example. I'm still trying to figure out what the water lilies mean.
Honorable mention, strangely enough, goes to another pharmaceutical ad in heavy rotation on basic cable - although this one is notable for its use of strange, CG handwriting on women's midriffs. I refer, of course, to the use of Jean-Jacques Perrey's "E.V.A." for Zelnorm, a drug that treats irritable bowel syndrome. Apparently, the buzzes and grooves that Perrey lovingly arranged back in 1969 now translate to explosive diarrhea and constipation in 2005. (Not to mention the occasional freaky flashback to The Exorcist.) Man, I need to get Tivo.
