March 2005
This Week in Movies!
This week, I've seen a total of 0 movies at the theater. However, would I let that preclude me from reviewing a series of hot new films that just barnstormed America? Others have done it, quite successfully. Thus, my capsule reviews:
Guess Who? An update of the Tracy/Hepburn classic Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?, but probably best known in studios as Untitled Mac/Kutcher Buddy-Comedy Vehicle/Box-Office-Gold. I'm waiting for the DVD, as I'm sure it will include extra bonus scenes of Bernie Mac's eyes bulging with incredulity. But can Ashton Kutcher bring the level of gravitas in the role that Sidney Poitier originally filled? Well, he can bring Sandler-esque volatility, at least.
Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. I believe this one was originally pitched as a "Silence of the Lambs comedy... without all the serial killers." And heck, no one likes serial killers, and The Silence of the Lambs won Oscars back in the day. Plus, Ernie Hudson!
D.E.B.S. A poignant biopic about Eugene V. Debs, the early 20th century Socialist Party presidential candidate. A mesmerizing story told in flashbacks from the Atlanta prison where Debs resided, offering a glimpse into how much our cultural landscape has changed; in particular, when radical politics flourished in the populist plains states. Robert Duvall turns in a particularly chilling performance as the titular character, with a cameo by Bob Novak as President Warren Harding.
Er, wait. Actually, this appears to be a movie knock-off of She Spies, which was a TV knock-off of Charlie's Angels, which was a movie knock-off of the original Charlie's Angels. Film School 101 will often postulate that latent lesbianism and schoolgirl outfits draw better crowds than ancient labor leaders. I suppose, for once, they were right.
Next! Will Sin City be a Win City? Will Beauty Shop be a Beauty Flop? Will The Amityville Horror be an Amityville ... Pile of Crap? Find out next week!
Why I'm Bummed Out About the Michael Jackson Trial
Why I'm Bummed Out About the Michael Jackson Trial:
- Have to disable snappy Billie Jean monophonic ringtone every time I leave the house.
- Pretty sure that I won't be catching any more bizarre hour-long collaborations with Stephen King on VH1.
- Will have to endure approximately four more years of Jay Leno monologues. A sample future monologue:
"Mehhh y'know something? That Michael Jackson's getting judged by a jury of his peers. Right. A Jury of His Peers. Right. Right, so, so, when they're done being sequestered, the jury members can return back to leading the Boy Scouts and romancing Liz Taylor!" (drum fill, Kevin Eubanks cackling in background) "Oh, oh and Jacko showed up at the courtroom last week wearing pajama bottoms. Yeah, yeah, Pajama Bottoms. Y'know he's at his low point when he can't even take his normal pants off fast enough!" (drum fill, Kevin Eubanks in tears, moaning, "Stop it, Jay, you're killing ... can't... breathe...")
- When singing songs like The Girl is Mine and P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing) in a karaoke context, they will be interpreted by others as snarky irony, rather than true unbridled passion.
- Might have to sell futures in the Jesus Juice industry.
- If he ends up getting involuntary house arrest, well, that doesn't really solve the problem.
- I've polluted my blog with the Michael Jackson trial.
Ah, Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch
There has been plenty of discussion afoot about this new Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Sandwich from Burger King. Well, the commercial at least. For one thing, little did anyone realize that when distraught Hootie & the Blowfish fans hit the blogosphere, they hit hard. And merciless. Armchair fast food historians are also speculating whether Arby's will counter with a special message from those guys in Los Del Rio. Watch the clip. (Windows Media)
But what took me most by surprise were the last three seconds, which feature former Wild On... host Brooke Burke swaying coquettishly on a swing, cradling said sandwich, saying, "Come an'... giddit!" Four syllables, which offer exactly three more tonal variations than Burke's entire history on television.
God bless Brooke Burke; on her various TV appearances, she's merely trying to come across as crisply informative and sultry. But the woman's delivery manages to drain all the excitement from whatever 4th world nation/island/resort her crew happens to stumble upon. Replacing it only with a blend of gastric discomfort and self-loathing. Which is, granted, not all too uncommon when you find yourself watching E! at 1 in the morning.
A true meeting of visual and aural greatness would be if Burke were habitually dubbed by that other Internet phenom - by this, I refer to the woman who does those equally popular Overstock.com TV ads. Despite whatever hour and whatever deadend cable channel she pops on, her clinical descriptions of books being priced 2 dollars below Amazon (on average) magically come to life. It absolutely defies explanation. There'd be a lot more Whopper units moved if Burke suddenly acquired a vaguely Teutonic twang in her speech.
My other candidate for Brooke Burke's VO artist? San Jose car dealer Glenn Hartzheim. This guy is great. A Bay Area resident will only see this guy's commercials if his or her television signal is provided not by coaxial cable, but rather by a couple of old soup cans filled with styrofoam. But when this guy really gets into his wild-eyed soliloquy, which is precisely after he utters, "Ah'm Gled Hahdzeib of Hahdzeib Dodge, bidja know dat ah'b bed idda bidineds fo ovah sixty years, and nebbah has bed a bedda time to buy a Dodge den now, as God is mah widness...", he starts to babble in tongues for about 18 minutes about Vipers and the majestic Capitol Expressway, after which you find yourself suddenly craving a Neon and a nap.
So what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Burger King. Maybe I'll try out the sandwich. Whatever.
Heeding a Certain Call...
Last weekend, I finally got the opportunity to relive We Are the World: The Story Behind the Song. The last time I saw this video was probably back when I was fiddling with Transformers, playing Atari, and wearing my special steel-gray Members Only jacket. Which was last weekend.
Anyway, "We Are the World" was filmed in the balmy days of 1985, well before Ray Charles was celebrated with Academy Award-winning biopics and catchy Diet Pepsi jingles, and before Michael Jackson was celebrated with E! Entertainment Television courtroom reenactments. Back when you could point out every member of the Jackson family and say with authority which one was Jermaine and which was Randy. But there were others in this video! Others that I had no clue about whilst in the 3rd grade! Singers like...
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Bob Dylan, struggling to mumble the chorus as he seems to nurse a pretty bad hangover... |
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... Oates... |
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... and Dan Aykroyd? Seems strange now, but supposedly The Blues Brothers had some sort of 'clout' in the late 70s. Still, I can sort of imagine him and Huey Lewis getting into fisticuffs backstage over the controversial Ghostbusters theme. |
The DVD also contains an hour-long documentary hosted by Jane Fonda that 90% of the country probably vaguely remembers, a full karaoke track, and some rare outtakes that show more of Kenny Rogers' facial contortions. Furthermore, the organization is actually still active. Still, it's unfortunate that the 20th anniversary DVD lacks, well, the 20th anniversary context - I'm pretty sure VH1 has ample supplies of it stored somewhere.
All in all, I have to give it 4.5 Kenny Loggins out of a potential 6 Kenny Loggins. Take a look at it on Amazon!
