February 2005
Stock Photo Fun: Corporatica
In the long tradition of pulling out sets of photos from $5 clip art CD-ROMs...
A couple fun facts you may have forgotten since the SATs: "Capitalism" comes from the Latin root capit-, relating "to the head". Coincidentally enough, "corporation" comes from the Latin root corpus, meaning "of the body". So when you sacrifice your physical head and body for the sake of both concepts, well, that becomes a beautiful thing, as you can observe below:
 | Episode #9D07. I recall this being that episode of Family Matters where Urkel goes through a dream sequence, and he finds himself 20 years into the future, and he calls Laura up to gloat about his boundless wealth. TV characters are so petty. |
 | e-Hazing. Man on phone, snickering: "Holy crap, Rich, she's doing it! I hope she doesn't exact her revenge, in equally bizarre fashion!" |
 | Gimme!!! I couldn't quite understand this one. Either it represents altruism, symbolized by the portfolio case, or the guy on top's going to deliver the other guy a solid kick in the face in a second or two. |
 | Important Business Deal. Asian guy on right: "Wait a minute... that's not a real cellphone. That's an old cordless phone you grabbed from your garage...? Hey, are you just ... talking to yourself? Are you listening to me? Damn, this shirt feels big on me." |
 | I Hear Voices! In the next shot, the two of 'em are making out. It's pretty rough. |
Review: Zoo Keeper for DS
This is my first, and probably last, video game review. It's difficult to have an objective point of view regarding video games when the only games you've played over the past 12 months have the word "Revolution" in them. But I'll give it a try with Zoo Keeper for Nintendo DS.
How does one describe Zoo Keeper?
- Play the Japanese online version. (Note: no knowledge of Japanese language or culture required, take it from me.)
- Optionally play any of suspiciously similar games out there, like Bejeweled, Bounce Out, Diamond Mine, etc.
- Remove the music - a cross between Thievery Corporation and Bossacucanova, placed through a Flash 7 filter - and replace with pseudo-retro-8-bit Nintendo music.
- Now, imagine paying $43 for this.
I'm not sure if that adequately conveys the excitement contained within, however. The stylus offers a new degree of tactility not found in the online versions. Occasionally, the animals throw you sour or pained looks, just like in real life.
The features list also notes the "Highly relevant plot involving an actual Zoo Keeper". Shades of Donkey Kong 3, you might ask? Which essentially revolves around a Mario-like protagonist spraying Donkey Kong in the ass with bug repellent, the giant ape being hooked up to a Rube Goldberg / Freddie Jones contraption that keeps giant beehives aloft. Good thing Nintendo self-corrected in just a few years.
Zoo Keeper still features a despotic, decadent Zoo Boss (who looks vaguely like my high school algebra teacher), giving one a unique vantage point into the inner politics of zoo keeping. Therein lies the moral parable - will you, as the lowly employee, free the animals, or capitulate to the responsibilities to which you were assigned? As with any game, and by "any game" I mean, "your life in a free society", the choice is left to you.
Zookeeper retails for $39.99. Check it out at Amazon!
Superbowl Commercials I Didn't See
It appears that the era of cool Super Bowl commercials is at an end. Last Sunday, I had my checklist all set up, and disappointment reigned supreme. No flatulence, no CG characters voiced by Gilbert Gottfried, no puppets, no bold proclamations of spending $2.4 million, and no fatuous references to Chuck Norris. All we had was LeBron James hawking Bubblicious of all things. And commercials for the TV show "24", which featured a government official character blatantly mispronouncing "nuclear".
I would've preferred a mix of old-world and new-world marketing. Maybe something like:
| 1984, The Sequel | |
 |
0:15. Young, lithe, voluptuous yet athletic blonde heaves a sledgehammer in slow motion, releasing it like a discus. Sound effect: "Eyaghh!" (with heavy reverb) |
 |
0:18. Sledgehammer connects solidly with the crotch of a bald actor resembling Steve Ballmer. Sound effect of ripe cantalope being crushed. Appropriate Celebrity Bonus (ACB™) if the actor is Terry Bradshaw. End scene. |
| It's also possible that one could repurpose the "Wassup" meme from 1999 pretty much in its entirety to promote today's Cialis and Levitra. Then again, it'd probably be deemed family inappropriate if it's a bunch of dudes saying it to each other. Eh, still a work in progress. |  |
Testing out Y! Q
So earlier today, Yahoo! (my employer) unveiled a new search component called Y! Q. It's able to form intelligent search queries based on a block of text within a given article.
So I'd like to test it out. However, I'm incredibly lazy on the blogging front, so I'll just post excerpts of existing entries and see how it fares.
If you read up on your Tango & Cash trivia, you may discover that Kurt Russell landed the celebrated role of "Cash" after Patrick Swayze dropped out. Original article
But now to someone I can't stand. Two words: Hilary Swank, man. She was in The Next Karate Kid, right? The role I invented. The franchise I nurtured and cultivated. Me. Does anyone remember The Next Karate Kid? Probably not, by my reckoning. Because she obviously couldn't fill my shoes (or traditional Gi, as it were.) Original article
Nothing really epitomizes glamour than a model perched beside a fire hydrant. These photos could be used in advertisements targeted to an audience of dogs, perhaps. Original article
Geraldo Rivera's head trapped in a vice, while flesh-eating squirrels peck at his face and progressively tear off his moustache. Original article
It does not appear to be working. Yet. Presumably, as of writing, it's still restricted to the yahoo.com domain. Or, they're still feverishly indexing Ralph Macchio links.
Update (1pm): It works now! You can thank me later for the direct purchase link to the Tango & Cash DVD.