Top 5 Jobs of 2005

Earlier this week, Fast Company announced their annual list of The Top 25 Jobs of 2005.

First off, Athlete? Like high school kids need yet another reason to tell their econ teacher to "suck it". Or would 40-year-olds consider "being A-rod" as a career/parallel universe change?

Anyway, I humbly present my picks for The Top 5 Jobs of 2005:

1. Professional billionaire. Pretty self-explanatory, really. If you write your own book, your handlers will spend months desperately trying to convince you that it's "ironic" or something. Hurl your pet chihuahua's feces at them and see if they flinch.
2. Locksmith. Let a torque wrench take you where a meritocracy fails miserably.
3. Bikini Inspector. While this T-shirt-based profession ostensibly seems to have peaked in the 80's, I believe there's still some limited upside and tremendous room for innovation. And bikini inspecting.
4. Actuary. Actually, this is where Fast Company and I see eye-to-eye. Assess risk and keep costs low for all parties involved, and earn a decent wage while you're at it. These guys are off da hook.
5. James Bond villain (or Mafia head). Be respected and feared across the globe. Quest for power stems from an inner trauma, caused either from the inexorable convergence of your criminal and familial spheres (in the case of the latter), or a horrific chemical laboratory explosion that leaves a deep scar on your face, which you rub pensively as you mutter, "Bond..." (in the former).

In other job news - if you work at Michigan-based Weyco, your employment is now subject to a routine tobacco test. Four workers were recently asked to leave for smoking in the privacy of their own homes, in an effort to set a bright example to other companies. And to keep their own health care costs off the balance sheet, along with pesky civil liberties. Then again, Howard Weyers gave his company a damn catchy name.