Reasons not to watch Iron Chef America

Iron Chef America: the remake of that potent mainstay of Food Network, Iron Chef. The original featured battling chefs, a flamboyant host, affable Canadian expatriate voice-overs, and the Backdraft soundtrack. But with this series, set to launch later this month with Bobby Flay, Mario Batali, and Masaharu Morimoto as the ferrous fricassiers, I may be tuning in elsewhere.

Reasons why:

• Iron Chef USA. The failed 2001 UPN series that featured such celebrity judges as Bruce Vilanch and Baywatch actress Brande Roderick. I mean, Animal Planet's Pet Star got better celebrity judges. Not to mention the chefs had a serious charisma deficit.
• American theme ingredients. Could it be bacon? Chips Ahoy? Mayonnaise?
• The host. Apparently Mark Dacascos is actually related to the original host, Chairman Kaga. He appears to have some grasp of the martial arts. But it brings back memories of interning at a web agency, where I spent hours cropping headshots for The Crow: Stairway to Heaven collateral. I doubt any of you can relate to this.
• Probably no Rachael Ray. The elitist jerks at Food Network probably will not include Ray in the roster of challenger chefs, since she's all about efficiency and thrift. And posing in FHM Magazine. But come on: her specialty is creating meals in 30 minutes; she would have twice the amount of input in this format. I like that she chuckles at her own jokes. And what celebrity judge would not go for a tasty Mini-Cheeseburger Salad?

• No Lower House Member Shinichiro Kurimoto. The judge with the bow tie. Who'd be our bicameral buddy in the US version? Dennis Hastert? Ted Kennedy?
• The fights are rigged. This is sort of carried over from the last series. The judges naturally will side with the Iron Chef, because otherwise they'll get tobacco and owl buried in their fois gras in the next show.
• Too much "raising the roof". Wow, Bobby Flay, you mixed the theme ingredient into a guacamole? And you integrated it into a set of "tapas"?! Amazing. Indeed, the roof needs to be raised just a tad.

Nonetheless, I'll keep my eye out for former Double Dare host Marc Summers to make a guest appearance. Just for the image of two grown chefs, shouting in unison: "Physical challenge!"