January 2005
Top 5 Jobs of 2005
Earlier this week, Fast Company announced their annual list of The Top 25 Jobs of 2005.
First off, Athlete? Like high school kids need yet another reason to tell their econ teacher to "suck it". Or would 40-year-olds consider "being A-rod" as a career/parallel universe change?
Anyway, I humbly present my picks for The Top 5 Jobs of 2005:
- Professional billionaire. Pretty self-explanatory, really. If you write your own book, your handlers will spend months desperately trying to convince you that it's "ironic" or something. Hurl your pet chihuahua's feces at them and see if they flinch.
- Locksmith. Let a torque wrench take you where a meritocracy fails miserably.
- Bikini Inspector. While this T-shirt-based profession ostensibly seems to have peaked in the 80's, I believe there's still some limited upside and tremendous room for innovation. And bikini inspecting.
- Actuary. Actually, this is where Fast Company and I see eye-to-eye. Assess risk and keep costs low for all parties involved, and earn a decent wage while you're at it. These guys are off da hook.
- James Bond villain (or Mafia head). Be respected and feared across the globe. Quest for power stems from an inner trauma, caused either from the inexorable convergence of your criminal and familial spheres (in the case of the latter), or a horrific chemical laboratory explosion that leaves a deep scar on your face, which you rub pensively as you mutter, "Bond..." (in the former).
In other job news - if you work at Michigan-based Weyco, your employment is now subject to a routine tobacco test. Four workers were recently asked to leave for smoking in the privacy of their own homes, in an effort to set a bright example to other companies. And to keep their own health care costs off the balance sheet, along with pesky civil liberties. Then again, Howard Weyers gave his company a damn catchy name.
WSJ Hedcuts... Unleashed!
I always wondered how those little headshots get into the Wall Street Journal - the ones that appear as though they were engraved. Amazingly enough, they're created by hand by a team of skilled artists - in a tradition that's lasted for the past 25 years. One can be completed in about four hours. Read more about the process of "hedcuts" here.
The article even delves into how two artists can approach the same photograph with our good friend Jerry Yang.
The one to your right? Well... I still have a long way to go.
Crispin Glover: What is it?
You may recall actor Crispin Glover from his breakout role as George McFly in Back to the Future, his notorious appearance on Late Night with David Letterman, or his star turn in the 2003 remake of Willard. The latter boasted a glorious music video of the Jackson 5 song "Ben", directed and performed by Glover. You're onto something when you're able to get Lee Ermey (the drill instructor from Full Metal Jacket) to play all the other male roles, not to mention what appears to be a cameo by Fairuza Balk.
His latest project, however, What is it?, may truly leave ones head desperate in need of frantic scratching. Accordng to the description, "most of the actors have Down's Syndrome, but the film is not about Down's Syndrome." Instead it seems to mirror Willard in its themes, although the principal objects of interest are snails instead of rats. Racism instead of office politics. And naked ladies wearing elephant masks.
For those compelled, there's a trailer online (Quicktime - caution, the trailer contains nudity and an inordinate amount of screaming).
Where's my McRib, dammit
Yes, it has been a while since my last entry. And in the weeks since, several pressing questions brew:
- Do Sen. Boxer's pointed statements regarding Condoleezza Rice's past record (in the latter's confirmation hearings) indicate that the minority party will openly criticize the opposition only if their 2004 election vote total was the 3rd highest in the country (exceeded only by Bush and Kerry)?
- How will the U.S. conduct its foreign policy towards Iran in the coming year, especially in light of Seymour Hersh's upcoming article in The New Yorker?
- Where's the McRib?!
I sighted it when I was down in LA over the winter break. I've heard reports of "McRib distribution centers" in other parts of California. But one of my coworkers and I discovered that here in the Bay Area, pork levels are running precariously thin.
McRib is a mysterious phenomenon. Like a solar eclipse, or southern oscillation, its appearance is rare and fleeting. Yet its impact is difficult to quantify. To break it down into its components:
One thing I have to ask: What is that pickle doing there? Seems like this guy showed up at the wrong party. Anyhow, it may be quite possible to synthesize a McRib from lesser sandwiches. For example, the onions from a Quarter Pounder. The barbecue sauce from the Chicken Nuggets. The gestalt could emerge. It's been done elsewhere, much to nauseating effect.
To further examine the mystique behind the McRib, I plotted it on a handy bivariate chart. As you can see, it excels on both the succulence and decadence metrics:
Reasons not to watch Iron Chef America
Iron Chef America: the remake of that potent mainstay of Food Network, Iron Chef. The original featured battling chefs, a flamboyant host, affable Canadian expatriate voice-overs, and the Backdraft soundtrack. But with this series, set to launch later this month with Bobby Flay, Mario Batali, and Masaharu Morimoto as the ferrous fricassiers, I may be tuning in elsewhere.
Reasons why:
- Iron Chef USA. The failed 2001 UPN series that featured such celebrity judges as Bruce Vilanch and Baywatch actress Brande Roderick. I mean, Animal Planet's Pet Star got better celebrity judges. Not to mention the chefs had a serious charisma deficit.
- American theme ingredients. Could it be bacon? Chips Ahoy? Mayonnaise?
- The host. Apparently Mark Dacascos is actually related to the original host, Chairman Kaga. He appears to have some grasp of the martial arts. But it brings back memories of interning at a web agency, where I spent hours cropping headshots for The Crow: Stairway to Heaven collateral. I doubt any of you can relate to this.
- Probably no Rachael Ray. The elitist jerks at Food Network probably will not include Ray in the roster of challenger chefs, since she's all about efficiency and thrift. And posing in FHM Magazine. But come on: her specialty is creating meals in 30 minutes; she would have twice the amount of input in this format. I like that she chuckles at her own jokes. And what celebrity judge would not go for a tasty Mini-Cheeseburger Salad?
- No Lower House Member Shinichiro Kurimoto. The judge with the bow tie. Who'd be our bicameral buddy in the US version? Dennis Hastert? Ted Kennedy?
- The fights are rigged. This is sort of carried over from the last series. The judges naturally will side with the Iron Chef, because otherwise they'll get tobacco and owl buried in their fois gras in the next show.
- Too much "raising the roof". Wow, Bobby Flay, you mixed the theme ingredient into a guacamole? And you integrated it into a set of "tapas"?! Amazing. Indeed, the roof needs to be raised just a tad.
Nonetheless, I'll keep my eye out for former Double Dare host Marc Summers to make a guest appearance. Just for the image of two grown chefs, shouting in unison: "Physical challenge!"