The Craziest Burger of Them All

When I saw the article about Hardees' new Monster Thickburger (which has been touted by its own press release as "a monument to decadence"), I secretly began to long for a Hardees restaurant. After all, people don't just throw around the phrase "quintessential food porn" lightly. Alas, all us West Coast folks have is its corporate cousin, Carl's Jr, home of the nearly as indulgent Six Dollar Burger.

By coincidence, I passed by a Carl's Jr on the way home, and discovered a large poster out front that trumpeted a Double Pastrami Burger. "Interesting," thought I, believing it to be just a sandwich with an abnormally large heap of pastrami. But upon closer inspection, it was a large heap of pastrami, accented by two beef patties!

Indeed, this was a worthy contender in exhausting my circulatory system. I pulled over and promptly ordered one. I knew I was in for a treat when a) the server could not find any Nutrition Facts detailing this burger (upon my request), and b) she had noticeable trouble trying to fit the burger in the bag.

The test

Here's the burger, straight from the bag. Note that I placed it alongside a Gameboy SP for a size comparison.

Studying the burger. Can I consume it all? The mind wanders...

A cross-section of the burger, halfway through my meal. Note that it's comprised of two patties, a layer of pastrami, lettuce, tomato, pickle, onion, and brown mustard. Surprisingly, they left out cheese. (Note: sharpened in Photoshop to illustrate texture.)

The verdict

Simultaneously digging into both cured and fried beef produced much oil, but surprisingly little taste. I expected an explosion of flavor to fill the senses; instead, there seems to be a reticence in condimentizing the dish. Perhaps some fried onion rings might've added that extra bit of zest. Or fried zucchini doused with ranch sauce.

Nonetheless, it all leads to an emergency trip to the gym for me.