November 2004
Celebrity Math #8
Was I really bored last night? Sure seems like it.
The Craziest Burger of Them All
When I saw the article about Hardees' new Monster Thickburger (which has been touted by its own press release as "a monument to decadence"), I secretly began to long for a Hardees restaurant. After all, people don't just throw around the phrase "quintessential food porn" lightly. Alas, all us West Coast folks have is its corporate cousin, Carl's Jr, home of the nearly as indulgent Six Dollar Burger.
By coincidence, I passed by a Carl's Jr on the way home, and discovered a large poster out front that trumpeted a Double Pastrami Burger. "Interesting," thought I, believing it to be just a sandwich with an abnormally large heap of pastrami. But upon closer inspection, it was a large heap of pastrami, accented by two beef patties!
Indeed, this was a worthy contender in exhausting my circulatory system. I pulled over and promptly ordered one. I knew I was in for a treat when a) the server could not find any Nutrition Facts detailing this burger (upon my request), and b) she had noticeable trouble trying to fit the burger in the bag.
The test
Here's the burger, straight from the bag. Note that I placed it alongside a Gameboy SP for a size comparison.
Studying the burger. Can I consume it all? The mind wanders...
A cross-section of the burger, halfway through my meal. Note that it's comprised of two patties, a layer of pastrami, lettuce, tomato, pickle, onion, and brown mustard. Surprisingly, they left out cheese. (Note: sharpened in Photoshop to illustrate texture.)
The verdict
Simultaneously digging into both cured and fried beef produced much oil, but surprisingly little taste. I expected an explosion of flavor to fill the senses; instead, there seems to be a reticence in condimentizing the dish. Perhaps some fried onion rings might've added that extra bit of zest. Or fried zucchini doused with ranch sauce.
Nonetheless, it all leads to an emergency trip to the gym for me.
Condi Rice, will you go out with me?
So the election is over, Powell has announced his resignation, and President Bush has appointed Condoleezza Rice as his new Secretary of State. So what was the press abuzz about? Well, since her personal life is relatively clean and free of scandal, they've instead decided to discuss Ms. Rice's lack of a personal life.
The Guardian basically writes up a portrait of Ms. Rice as a brainy spinster:
As national security adviser for four years, Ms Rice has been indispensable and constantly available. She has no other life, has never married and a handful of dates with eligible men organised by well-meaning friends have led nowhere romantically.
She spends many of her weekends at Camp David with the president, watching baseball and football and doing jigsaws with the first family. Her only time off appears to be occasional sessions playing the piano with a classical music group in Washington.
"Doing jigsaws with the first family" at their retreat? What is this, Citizen Kane? But as I read further, when she accidentally referred to the President as her husband, the words Work-Life Balance suddenly shot to the forefront. And I was intrigued.
There's been talk in the past to set up bachelor politicians on dates, including Ralph Nader and Dennis Kucinich. Well, if you're reading this, Condi, I would personally like to ask you out to dinner. I also hear that The Incredibles was quite good.
Please take a look below at the special Compatibility Matrix I created, and you may be pleasantly surprised by my credentials:
 Condi |
 Brian |
Compatible? | |
| Age: | 50 | 27 | Maybe |
| Gender: | Female | Male | Yes! |
| Ethnicity: | Minority | Minority | Yes! |
| Height: | 5'3" | 5'5" | Yes! |
| Current location: | Washington, DC | Sunnyvale, CA | Maybe |
| Fluent in: | 4 languages | 1 language, almost | Maybe |
| Musical accomplishments: | Pianist; dueted with Yo-Yo Ma | Pianist; knows disturbing amount of John Tesh's music | Yes! |
| Physical activities: | Renowned figure skater | Can type 80-90 WPM | Yes! |
| Previous occupations: | Provost, Stanford University | Art student, UCLA | Maybe |
| Voted for in 2004: | George Bush (presumably) | John Kerry | Maybe |
| Friends include: | Dick Cheney, ChevronTexaco | Internet celebrities | No |
| Enemies include: | Doves | Javier, this one kid who pushed me into a puddle in 2nd grade | Yes! |
| Annual salary: | $175,700 | Less than $175,700 | Maybe |
| Boldest statement I've made: | "We don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud." | "Verdana -2 is far more readable than Arial -1." | Yes! |
| Conversation starters: | The "October Revolution" in the former Soviet Union | Karaoke Revolution | No |
Let me know when I can call to make reservations.
Creating the California Island
So as the blue states are grappling with the realities of a second Bush win, there comes that brief post-election period where otherwise rational folks plunge into true cartographic fantasy. Some ideas include:
- California seceding from the US. Somewhat unoriginal, and would inspire the usual reproach normally allocated to Québec. And some in Hawaii are already trying it.
- Having Canada annex us.
- Forming the Republic of Cascadia from Washington, Oregon, and Northern California?! At least they got the flag designed.
Interesting ideas, but here's one better - inspired by a 48 hour binge after last Wednesday's Ohio results, where I consumed 20 liters of Mug Root Beer and watched Escape from LA approximately 32 times.
Let's think back to the 1500s. As they approached the Baja California peninsula, the great explorers like Cortes and Drake were certain that California was an island. Mapmaking monks slavishly echoed these sentiments. History and geography alike have proven them all wrong, but were they not really all visionaries?
Behold, the new map of the mythical island of California! All it would require is a lot of digging (job creation, anyone?) and a lot of non-conventional explosives. Hopefully not simultaneously. It took America 35 years to build the Panama Canal, which was 51 miles. So... this would take a little longer.
But still, it ends up creating a fertile valley for both inland California, Nevada, and Arizona. Thousands upon billions of acres of arable land and lucrative ocean front property are now open to both countries, improving all economies involved. Some negative nellies would complain of the submerged land, but hey, in the process we somehow negotiated a deal to annex Baja California from Mexico. Also, the unique and closed ecosystem will create weird flora and fauna that'll probably end up eating all of us.
Now, I'm not talking straight-up secession here. I'd still prefer Lincoln on my $5 bill as opposed to, say, Michael Milken or Peter Fonda. And to be honest, Bush and several other Presidents would've finished all their terms by this point. But I digress.
And of course, Californians are not the only benefactors. Las Vegas would enjoy a consistently temperate Mediterranean climate for once. Unless of course, hurricanes start popping up. And irreparable tectonic plate damage. In which case, my bad. I really sucked at SimCity, mind you.
Also, this project probably will do something about Mono Lake. Man, what a marvelous food chain. If the overpowering smell of brine shrimp wasn't bad enough, they had to add swarms of brine flies. While, of course, leads to swarms of gigantic sea gulls. Great stuff.