Decision 2004: How Kerry Can Win! Today!!

The projected electoral vote count for Oct. 26th, based on a variety of polls, guesstimations, and assorted old geezers' bum knee joints, is Kerry 247 - Bush 285. A sizable deficit for the main Dem to overcome, indeed. However, thanks to my wealth of political experience and rich, comprehensive knowledge of this great land, I offer four key strategies outlined below:

To win back Hawaii (4):

Okay, that Hawaii is even painted red is a disgrace to Kerry. Military presence aside, this is Kucinich Country, for crying out loud. At some point on the trail, all Kerry needs to do is utter: "It's time to say Aloha* to this incompetent Administraton," or something. I could see a 10 point surge right there. For bonus points, he could speak in Pidgin - maybe something like, "I tink dos' guys in charge mahke plenny Iraq mistake. No matta. I haffa plan." Kerry: 251 - Bush: 281.

* Optional Kerry tangent: "That is to say, the non-unequivocal instance of 'Aloha' in the context of it being the traditional Hawaiian farewall - not that of its inverse, that being the equal, if not more prevalent, usage of it as the traditional salutation."

To win Utah (5):

27% Kerry - 64% Bush? Feh. Odds. Just have Redford move the Sundance Festival from January to November. Coincidentally move thousands of film industry luminaries from California to Utah for one month, tops. Done. How populous is Utah anyway? Doesn't matter. Done. Kerry: 256 - Bush: 276.

To win Wisconsin (10):

This one's a "multi-pronged" strategy, based upon the simple fact: Wisconsin is most well known for its beer and cheese industries.

Prong A) Say: "My friends, the President quit drinking alcoholic beverages years ago. No longer can he quench his thirst with a frosty, sudsy, succulent glass of golden American-style pilsener beer." Raise a stein of said beer, sip, savor, smile. He could chew thoughtfully on a Hillshire Farm sausage while he's at it. If anything, that'll at least make Bush openly salivate more.

Prong B) Engage Wisconsinians through metaphor: blending cheese and Heinz ketchup together, while conceptually quite repulsive, actually works quite well. Case in point: Kraft Macaroni & Cheese mixed with ketchup. I saw it done on The Kids in the Hall a few years back, and had to try it out. It wasn't too bad. Really massages the unami taste center. Kerry: 266 - Bush: 266.

To win Arkansas (6):

It's currently tied in Arkansas? Really? Hmm. Adjust Edwards' twang slightly. Extract charisma from Clinton via hypodermic needle. Inject and wait. Kerry: 272 - Bush: 266. Projected winner: Kerry.