October 2004

Decision 2004: How Kerry Can Win! Today!!

The projected electoral vote count for Oct. 26th, based on a variety of polls, guesstimations, and assorted old geezers' bum knee joints, is Kerry 247 - Bush 285. A sizable deficit for the main Dem to overcome, indeed. However, thanks to my wealth of political experience and rich, comprehensive knowledge of this great land, I offer four key strategies outlined below:

To win back Hawaii (4):

Okay, that Hawaii is even painted red is a disgrace to Kerry. Military presence aside, this is Kucinich Country, for crying out loud. At some point on the trail, all Kerry needs to do is utter: "It's time to say Aloha* to this incompetent Administraton," or something. I could see a 10 point surge right there. For bonus points, he could speak in Pidgin - maybe something like, "I tink dos' guys in charge mahke plenny Iraq mistake. No matta. I haffa plan." Kerry: 251 - Bush: 281.

* Optional Kerry tangent: "That is to say, the non-unequivocal instance of 'Aloha' in the context of it being the traditional Hawaiian farewall - not that of its inverse, that being the equal, if not more prevalent, usage of it as the traditional salutation."

To win Utah (5):

27% Kerry - 64% Bush? Feh. Odds. Just have Redford move the Sundance Festival from January to November. Coincidentally move thousands of film industry luminaries from California to Utah for one month, tops. Done. How populous is Utah anyway? Doesn't matter. Done. Kerry: 256 - Bush: 276.

To win Wisconsin (10):

This one's a "multi-pronged" strategy, based upon the simple fact: Wisconsin is most well known for its beer and cheese industries.

Prong A) Say: "My friends, the President quit drinking alcoholic beverages years ago. No longer can he quench his thirst with a frosty, sudsy, succulent glass of golden American-style pilsener beer." Raise a stein of said beer, sip, savor, smile. He could chew thoughtfully on a Hillshire Farm sausage while he's at it. If anything, that'll at least make Bush openly salivate more.

Prong B) Engage Wisconsinians through metaphor: blending cheese and Heinz ketchup together, while conceptually quite repulsive, actually works quite well. Case in point: Kraft Macaroni & Cheese mixed with ketchup. I saw it done on The Kids in the Hall a few years back, and had to try it out. It wasn't too bad. Really massages the unami taste center. Kerry: 266 - Bush: 266.

To win Arkansas (6):

It's currently tied in Arkansas? Really? Hmm. Adjust Edwards' twang slightly. Extract charisma from Clinton via hypodermic needle. Inject and wait. Kerry: 272 - Bush: 266. Projected winner: Kerry.

Decision 2004: Bush Debate Emoticons

Didn't you wish that the Internet's current lexicon of IM and email smiley faces matched the complex gamut of emotions displayed by our elected officials? Here are six such examples, as conveyed by President Bush in the last couple of presidential debates.

Spry

Key combination: :D
Context used: Asking for rebuttal, without a planned rebuttal. Eagerly invoking the name Aleksander Kwasniewski - having not found an adequate spot to insert the presidents of Latvia and Azerbaijan in yet.

Wink

Key combination: ;)
Context used: Amorous or conspiratorial expression. Intrigue factor increases tenfold if opponent is in the midst of discussing nuclear proliferation.

Blinky

Key combination: ;;;;;;)
Context used: Represents hard drive activity as Bush plucks out Dred Scott from head for brilliantly salient reference. Was also used by Dan Quayle in 1988 as scathing comeback to Lloyd Bentsen's "Jack Kennedy" quip.

Scowl

Key combinations: >:(, :-L
Context used: "First of all, of course I know Osama bin Laden attacked us. I know that."
Can also precede: Making Charlie Gibson eat those reading glasses of his.

Blank

Key combinations: :O, 8-(
Context used: Doing SAT analogies in head to prepare for response, ex: facile : capable :: vociferously : intensely.
Can also follow: Karen Hughes going to the can, leaving mic open.

The Half-Smile

Key combination: :-S
Context used: Working hard (and its various permutations.) Summoning Folksius, the mighty god of down home Southern charm.

Secrets of TGIF

TGIF: the oasis of family-friendly TV in the late 80s / early 90s. Perfect Strangers boldly laid the foundation. Soon, our newfound friends - Uncle Joey, Urkel, and countless others - were paraded out to delight and tantalize the imagination. Nonetheless, the seas of time have obscured some interesting revelations - which I present here for the first time:

#1: Just the Ten of Us was a spin-off of Growing Pains.

Not quite as smooth as Harriet's transition from Perfect Strangers to Family Matters (arguably the smoothest TV transition since York and Sargent), but decent enough.

#2: The kid sister character in Family Matters was secretly assassinated in 1991.

Was it not strange that Judy Winslow "mysteriously" disappeared after a couple seasons? (Is it not more strange that Jaimee Foxworth later went on to appearing in adult films under the name "Crave" - as opposed to slightly changing her name, undergoing a sex change operation, and starring in Collateral, as was previously assumed?)

#3: "Balki" was actually an imaginary manifestation of Larry's extroverted self.

In this post-Fight Club era, aspiring pop culture revisionists are eager to opine that every single Odd Couple pairing in entertainment history is actually just one regular, boring guy with bipolar disorder. His outgoing, lovable superego (or id, or combination thereof) is embodied in a physical foil (Bronson Pinchot) so that a casual viewer can grasp the dark comedy that laces the human condition. It worked with Cameron Frye in Ferris Bueller's Day Off; it can certainly work with Larry Appleton (pictured right).

This interpretation also suggests that Larry was a devout bigamist by the end of the series' run.

#4: Contrary to popular belief, Danny Tanner was not actually all that cool.

Still, Bob Saget did end up as Stephen Colbert.

#5: There was a show on at 9:30pm that starred Alan Ruck and Heather Locklear. And it was amazing.

No, it wasn't Spin City. It was Going Places. This sitcom centered around four young, attractive, and witty adults (two men, two women) working together in a TV studio. The twist: they all happened to be roommates sharing the same condo! Hilarity ensues, indeed. A show truly ahead of its time; were it to air just five years later, Alan Ruck would be eating Matthew Perry's lunch right now, dammit.

#6: Several shows have erroneously been ascribed to the TGIF family.

If you weren't: on ABC Fridays between 8pm and 10pm, produced by Miller-Boyett Productions (the best production company in the world), or awesome*, you weren't on TGIF. The list includes:

• The Hogan Family
• Small Wonder
• The Facts of Life
• Head of the Class
• Red Shoe Diaries
• Punky Brewster

Decision 2004: The Bush Blog

Time to discuss the real issues - presidential candidate "web log*" design. Both Bush and Kerry seem to do a decent job as far as blogs are concerned - Kerry's blog remains a strange facsimile of MSN, whereas Bush's blog valiantly attempts to jam more stars into their respective spangles.

Bush's old blog logo, meanwhile, was cause for mild consternation. Are we supposed to imply that Bush himself scrawled the word "BLOG" next to his grinning mug, silently reveling in the word/letterplay therein?

The redesigned logo is classier, though it now appears that Bush has suddenly transformed into a package of highly marketable potato chips.

Of course, a co-worker was quick to note Bush's pandering appealing to the elderly elsewhere in the site - one example being Barbara and Jenna's Journal, which undoubtedly is geared to the Dirty Old Man segment of the population. But why do I get the feeling that there was a really lurid discussion** within the web design firm shortly before they produced this particular graphic?

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