August 2004
Stock Photo Fun: Canadian Models
For all those that enjoyed cool stock photos of teddy bears:
While they're not attending Rush concerts or frolicking in rectilinear provinces, nothing suits attractive Canadian women more than posing for royalty-free stock photography houses. Let's take a sampling of a category dubbed "Canadian Models":
 | Nice hat. Man, I coulda sworn I had a crush on this girl back in '88. Turns out it was Debbie Gibson. Or maybe it was Tiffany. Roxette? |
 | The Return of Montecore. Perhaps Siegfried could choose this fine lass as a stand-in for our friend Roy. |
 | Fire hydrant. Nothing really epitomizes glamour than a model perched beside a fire hydrant. These photos could be used in advertisements targeted to an audience of dogs, perhaps. |
 | Crackhead #1. Eschewing normal tenets of the modelling practice such as, say, health and well-being, this one indeed looks like she's been through the business and back several times. Oh, what you could see through her eyes.... |
 | Crackhead #2. Seriously, don't Canadians, like, routinely reap the benefits of universal health care? Did she get left behind? |
 | Leafs rule! As well as... jackets with "Route 66" printed on them? I guess it still doesn't quite match up with our good ol' American-flagged bikinis. |
Pandafications
As with most inevitabilities, a discussion at work yesterday shifted to that of "miniature cattle". Specifically, that farmers are intentionally breeding cattle with the goal of getting one to fit underneath a common dinner table. Which often begs the simple question: "Why?"
Well, one answer might lie in Panda Cattle. Yes, somehow they were able to take your standard Holstein and reconfigure its spots so they correlate with that of your standard panda's. The goal, of course, is to provide the cuddliness of a panda with the cow-pie-producing powers of a cow.
Not that our panda fixation is relegated strictly to our bovine brethren. No, there has been remarkable progress in the pandification of dogs.
No, I believe there are more nefarious motives at heart. I believe that they want to transform the cow in a standard kitchen appliance, sort of like that garbage disposal pigasaur from The Flintstones:
Task #1: Get milk. Why go to the store and let the carton sit in your refrigerator, when you can just go to your family cow (idly sitting in the corner, next to the Lucky Charms, chewin' on somethin',) and fix yourself a fresh glass, straight from the source?
Task #2: Get a nice cut of flank steak. Why not go straight to ol' Nellie, cut open a flap of hide, and carve yourself a juicy delicious portion of beef? Don't worry, it'll heal over!
The future is here, and it does look succulent.