July 2004
Decision 2004: Bush paints flag, miscounts states
From President Bush's "Compassion Album":
I count only 48 stars on this flag. Perhaps he wants to leave off California (55 electoral votes) and New York (31 electoral votes)?
The most popular font
Believe it or not, the most installed typeface on Windows machines is not Arial, Verdana, or Times New Roman. It is, in fact ... Arial Black, followed by Comic Sans MS?!
Apparently this campaign doesn't seem to be working.
Movies I Don't Get: Bad Lieutenant
Ahhh, Bad Lieutenant (1992). I wasn't quite sure what I was in for when I began watching this film. Were we talking "bad" as in "evil"? "Corrupt"? Or merely "incompetent"? (The latter case might've made an okay Naked Gun sequel, perhaps.)
Instead, it's a harrowing tale of decadence and redemption, starring Harvey Keitel - no doubt cast as the titular character because of his stunning portayal as a corrupt lieutenant in the movie Corrupt Lieutenant (1983). And this Lieutenant is indeed bad - perhaps the most unbelievable aspect of the film is that the guy was able to get promoted to this level. Which, of course, worries me about our local law enforcement.
So here's a test to see whether you, in the day of moral ambiguity, know the thin blue line that separates a bad lieutenant from a good one:
Movies I Don't Get: Braveheart
Like pretty much all other Mel Gibson movies of the 90s, Braveheart (1995) stands as being one of those ultra-odyssean movies that are comprised solely of climaxes and falling actions. Every thirty minutes, you're already like, "Ahhh, this movie's about to end," and start to pack your things. But it goes on. For another two hours. Maverick. Ransom. The Patriot. They're all like this.
So here's my vision of the perfect ending to Braveheart, which would've cut at least an hour off the running time:
Wallace (at the Battle of Falkirk): They may take away our lives, but they'll never take our FREEDOM!!!
(Freeze on Gibson, fade into a green duotone. Incidental bagpipe music starts playing. Text rolls on, accompanied with a voice-over that sounds suspiciously similar to Martin Sheen.)
Narrator: William Wallace continued his brave struggle against the English army for another seven years. However, he was captured in 1305 in Glasgow and subsequently executed. Regardless, he valiantly set the stage for the independence of Scotland, which lasted well until its eventual absorption into the United Kingdom. Years later, an Australian actor would stage Wallace's brutal evisceration and death, which would garner $200 million worldwide.
Wallace (echo): FREEDOM!!!
Movies I Don't Get: Color of Night
Yes, I'm really getting into controversial territory here, but I must say, I didn't quite get that movie Color of Night (1994). I understand that it was something of a shallow attempt to emulate Basic Instinct, as well as a great starring vehicle for luminaries Lesley Ann Warren, Brad Dourif, and of course, The Great Bakula.
However, the whole mystery - nay, the whole point of the movie - hinges upon our inability to recognize that three of the main characters are actually played by the same actress. Observe:
 |  |  |
Now, unless you're blind, you would realize that the same damn actress is playing all of them. Here's a hint:
 |  |  |
Perhaps the producers thought that you would be so distracted by Jane March being naked half the time to notice her long, uniformly slanted teeth. Perhaps that may be the case. Regardless, it was pretty bold of them to get us to believe that Bruce Willis - whose character is supposed to study people - is dumber than a sack of rocks, and not realize until 5 minutes before the movie ends that the mysterious, high-voiced teenage boy in his psychiatry sessions is actually the young woman he's been sleeping with.
Next movie: Braveheart!