June 2004

Not quite done yet

Haven't finished rebuilding the site yet, but at least I have this index page rebuilt. Perhaps a hint of what is to come. Maybe less orange. Who knows - I keep hearing that orange is the new black or something.

As far as the new "kawabunga.com" up on top is, that's basically my whiteboard handwriting. I'm trying to get to the level of this guy.

'Fahrenheit 9/11' Omissions

From the AP:

While the White House and the Republican National Committee have taken an official "no comment" approach to Michael Moore and his new anti-Bush documentary "Fahrenheit 9/11," [which opens June 25,] some conservatives have mobilized a letter-writing campaign and crafted ads that slam the film and its maker.

Among the astonishing revelations and distortions:

1. Michael Moore is seen eating a salad while interviewing a congressman. It turns out to have been 4 cheeseburgers, cleverly positioned offscreen.


2. When Charlton Heston talks about the "ethnic thing" being the source of violence in America, he of course is referring to the pending simian takeover of the planet.


3. 911°F would actually be 488°C, not 474°C. (Moore subtracted 32 after dividing by 1.8, not the other way around. I hate it when that happens.)


4. Moore's beard disappears and reappears throughout the film, revealing both deceptive continuity and his flip-flopping stance regarding facial hair. (Groups are also delving deeper into the usage of his cap and glasses.)


5. In Bowling for Columbine, Moore portrays Dick Clark as a callous asshole. In Fahrenheit 9/11, Moore portrays Dick Clarke as a tragic hero trapped in government bureaucracy - thereby revealing Moore's latent hypocrisy toward his subjects.


6. The film is distributed by Canadian Lion's Gate Films, another step in Canada's nefarious plan to gradually annex the United States.


7. George W. Bush assumed the Presidency in January 2002, not January 2001, thereby offsetting all failures of 2001 intelligence to the prior administration.

Latte Art

I enjoy my cup of coffee as much as any other granola-crunching, latte-sipping bay area punk. But one site takes it quite to a different level. latteart.org takes a dive into the seedy underworld of forming elaborate hearts, rosettes, and other shapes with cappuccino foam. The video clips resemble a bizarre intertwining of coffee and Cinemax - all that's missing is slo-mo and a gauzy filter. And Shannon Tweed. But I digress. The site author doesn't help matters much here:

I have made therefore visible all these techniques creating, in collaboration with some local firms, a real tape . In this VHS or CD-ROM, (for PC), you can see the choices of the materials, the whipping of the different types of milk and the executions of DECORATED CAPPUCCINOS (latte art), with sequences, close sight and slow images. A voice explains all the passages and a sweet music makes the vision of it very pleasant.

Hmm. Well, I'm still waiting for it to reach the level of true art - by this, I mean of course Balki Lattes™.

Decision 2004: Cronkite Returns!

It sounds like MTV may have successfully signed the 87-year-old veteran news anchor Walter Cronkite to cover the 2004 election. Slippery slope? Yes.

What else could possibly happen? How about:

Russell or Swayze?

If you read up on your Tango & Cash trivia, you may discover that Kurt Russell landed the celebrated role of "Cash" after Patrick Swayze dropped out.

Which makes one wonder: Would it have made much of a difference had Swayze played Cash? My guess? "No." The two actors are basically interchangable - particularly in the early 90s, when casting calls for mulleted everymen always caused both Swayze and Russell to surface to the top.

So here's a chance to test your knowledge of Swayzo-Russellean film. You could check the source code or just go to IMDB, but since there's no final tally, it's rather fruitless. Besides, I'm convinced that the two really are the same actor: note that you never see them both onscreen.

1. Red Dawn, 1984
   Stars as Jed Eckart, high school student, in freaky cold war movie.
   Russell    Swayze  
2. 3000 Miles to Graceland, 2001
   Bizarre Elvis homage, where our hero is paired off with none other than Kevin Costner.
   Russell    Swayze  
3. Road House, 1989
   "Dalton's the best bouncer in the business. His nights are filled with fast action, hot music and beautiful women. It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it."
   Russell    Swayze  
4. Point Break, 1991
   He plays a surfing bank robber. Co-stars Keanu Reeves and Gary Busey as FBI agents. Roger Ebert gave it 3 1/2 stars.
   Russell    Swayze  
5. Captain Ron, 1992
   Nautical buddy comedy with Martin Short (who was in his awkward post-Three Amigos, pre-fantasy-mini-series period - see Three Fugitives, Clifford, Jungle 2 Jungle)
   Russell    Swayze  
6. Breakdown, 1997
   One of the iMDB posters calls it a cross between Deliverance and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. All's I know is that it's got trucks and truck drivin'.
   Russell    Swayze  
7. Unlawful Entry, 1992
   Part of the early 90s Fatal Attraction trend that included Single White Female, The Hand that Rocks the Cradle, Pacific Heights, and Opportunity Knocks. Well, maybe not Opportunity Knocks.
   Russell    Swayze  
8. Father Hood, 1993
   "He's America's most wanted...Dad!"
   Russell    Swayze  
9. Vanilla Sky, 2001
   Virtually a cameo role as a psychologist in the Tom Cruise/Cameron Crowe remake.
   Russell    Swayze  
10. Black Dog, 1998
    The Man's Man's Movie (that is, it was probably on TNN 20 hours out of the day.) Co-stars Randy Travis, Meat Loaf, and more trucks.
    Russell    Swayze  

Celebrity Math #5

This one is based on the algorithmically generated What Celebrity Are You?.

Hmm. Jackie Chan was in the list, too.

Analysis: MSNBC's D-Day Coverage

So earlier tonight, I was watching this experimental "newscast" on MSNBC that focused on the 60th anniversary of D-Day. Apparently willing to throw in the towel to other cable news outlets like CNN and Fox News, June 6, 1944: As It Happened is a two-hour block of news that pretends that today really is D-Day, and thus filtered through "modern news technology".

For the most part it is surpisingly entertaining: there are correspondents reporting from Churchill's bunker and Berlin (replete with grainy MPEG-ish video quality), and anchor Lester Holt casually refers to FDR as "the President". But I've identified a couple of problems and their respective solutions:

1. Lester Holt
   The affable MSNBC anchor who often subs for Matt Lauer on The Today Show, where the rapport between him and Katie Couric goes so far as: "So, Lester. What did you do this weekend." "Ah ha ha." The problem with Holt here is that he's just too young.
   The solution: Replace Lester Holt with an elderly newsman with dyed hair. Possible candidates include Walter Cronkite, Andy Rooney, and the reanimated body of Charles Kuralt.
2. The ticker
   Indeed, the scrolling ticker at the bottom is redesigned to deliver "pseudo-live" coverage. But, [in whiny designer voice] the font is all WRONG! What's this Helvetica Bold doing here flashing by in a broadcast supposedly from 1944? Hello, type anachronism alert!!!
   The solution: They should've actually had a hand-drawn ticker tape physically scrolling at the bottom of the frame. MSNBC must have interns! Come on.
3. No Chris Matthews
   Sure, Chris Matthews was probably busy doing his own D-Day coverage, but what is an MSNBC newscast without the straw-haired braying pundit we all know and love?
   The solution: Put a hat and glasses on Matthews, refer to him as "Christopher O'Matthewson the First"
4. No reenactments of famous figures
   If this really were news "as it would look like from today's technology", we wouldn't be relying on scratchy radio addresses as our principal source.
   The solution: Put a hat and glasses on John Lithgow, refer to him as FDR.
5. No Old-Tyme Commercials
   Scattered throughout the 2-hour block are commercials for Lexus and ING. This is ridiculous.
   The solution: Replace with cartoons of Donald Duck selling war bonds, and vintage commercials for stool-softening ointment (called "Dr. Feelgoode's Fabulous Deexcrementizer Creme")
6. No Deloreans, Magical Mirrors, Harp Glissandos, etc.
   For every time-traveling show, you need a time-traveling device. It's just that simple.
   The solution: In the very last minute of the show, dissolve to Lester Holt in bed at night. His eyes open. "It was all just a dream," he says, in wide-eyed wonder. A body next to him shifts. "Go back to sleep, Mrs. Roosevelt," he coos gently.

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