March 2004
Celebrity Role-Playing!
So, I'm convinced that the purpose of field studies is to make me feel as prematurely old as possible. We've been interviewing a series of teenagers to see how they use the Internet and such. And they say things like, "I've had a Yahoo Mail account since the 4th grade," whereupon I start weeping onto my laptop keyboard.
One girl started talking about this emerging fad of "celebrity role-playing" - which apparently involves you assuming a celebrity (say, Christina Aguilera or Paris Hilton) and writing livejournal entries "in character". And other "celebrities" leave comments to said journal entries, which then develop and feed into full-blown plots and storylines. This game seems either to be leading inexorably towards true post-modern epistolary fiction, or a complete waste of time.
When she was telling us about this game, I was reminded of the time I was introduced to Napster, back in early 2000. It was with a girl maybe three years my junior, who happened to be participating in a focus group study our company was conducting. The conversation went something like:
BK: Alack, I've suddenly become out of touch with the industry the very moment I entered it - the underlying irony does not escape me.
Focus Group Girl: Check it - [starts clicking around] I just grabbed some Blink 182 right now.
BK: [checking blood pressure] 120 over 80. Yet I feel so... feeble....
Focus Group Girl: Are you using Winamp to listen to MP3s?
BK: Win-wha?
Anyway, I was thinking maybe I could give this celebrity role-playing a try. So here's my interpretation of actor Ralph Macchio's journal:
3/28/2004. 2:00am.
Currently listening to: "Tipsy (Radio Mix)", by J-Kwon.
So.
Hi.
I'm Ralph Macchio.
You know, that Tivo works pretty darn well, I must say. Like, I Tivo'ed The Karate Kid and The Outsiders - one of them was on TNT and the other was on the Superstation the other afternoon. Haven't seen those in a while, mind you. And then based on those two selections, the Tivo recommended that I should watch The Karate Kid Part II. And the Tivo Tivo'ed it. That was pretty spot on.
But then it also started Tivo'ing episodes of "Seaquest DSV" like mad - they were on Sci-Fi in some sort of marathon or something. I was like, "What's up with that?" And then I spent a couple hours thinking about it some more. And then I had some sort of epiphany because I just remembered that Jonathan Brandis was in this movie Sidekicks - which was a lot like The Karate Kid - plot- and character-wise. And he was in "Seaquest" I guess.
I wonder what the hell Joe Piscopo's up to these days? You're probably asking why I brought up Piscopo just now. Well, he was the bad guy in Sidekicks. He played sort of the "Mercy is for the weak" guy. Yeah, I actually saw the movie. Because you know, imitation's the sincerest form of flattery. And I wanted to take notes on the competition and such.
But now to someone I can't stand. Two words: Hilary Swank, man. She was in The Next Karate Kid, right? The role I invented. The franchise I nurtured and cultivated. Me. Does anyone remember The Next Karate Kid? Probably not, by my reckoning. Because she obviously couldn't fill my shoes (or traditional Gi, as it were.)
And then she ends up getting an Oscar or something for Boys Don't Cry? WTF?! She wasn't even a boy! By that logic, I should've gotten like a mega-super-shiny-Oscar for my work, man. I played a "kid" back in '90 and I was like 30 years old! And I didn't even really know karate.
The worst thing is that they didn't even ask me if I wanted to be in The Next Karate Kid - they could've like shown me in just a brief cameo or something. Like I could've been going to college or something - the audience would go nuts, I tell you. It'd be like if Adam West were in the Batman movie. And I'd be passing the torch to my kid sister, and you know, referring her to Mr. Miyagi and all that. Now I'm just brainstorming here, but maybe in like a pre-credits teaser, Kreese could've come back and clubbed my character from behind with like a big lead pipe, breaking my collar bone or something, which would send me to the hospital! And the kid sister character would be all swearing revenge and stuff, but Miyagi-san teaches her the value of
I sure hope this fad doesn't last.
On the origins of my middle name
My middle name is "Tadao". It's Japanese, it was my grandfather's name, and it means "honor" or something to that effect. Sounds all well and good, right?
But nowadays, whenever I happen to tell someone my middle name, their eyes automatically bug out, and they exclaim, "TaDOW! How do you like me now?! ... Beeyaaatch?!"*
Mind you, this is completely regardless of their age, ethnicity, and gender. The first dozen times merely baffled me. So, I researched: evidently Snoop Dogg's "Doggy Dogg World" video featured a pimp named "Taa-Dow" back in the day, and it has since neatly metamorphosed into a classy urban interjection/adjective.
Well, it's still better than back in grade school, when the girl with the crazy poofy hair would call me "Tadao Sassoon." Gnnnnghhhh.....
* Often, this expression will be accompanied with a proper echo effect, e.g. "Beeeyaaatch! eeeyaaatch! eeyaaatch! eeyaaatch!"
When 'Brian Jr.' just won't cut it
So for no reason in particular, I had been asking myself what was up with the recent surge of Celtic and Anglo-Saxon names? Suddenly names like Aidan and Jayden and Kayden and Hayden and Brayden are showing up on the most popular list. Meanwhile, the archetypal Celtic name (that Yours Truly shares) ranks a mere #72. And Ashton (#84)? I see thousands of bitter teenagers a couple decades from now.
Well, here's a list of my top 7 Favorite Baby Names:
- Prilosec
- Crayon
- Optimus
- Shizzle
- Zinfandel
- Schmayden
- Blanket
Decision 2004: More 70s mayhem
For a brief while, partisans sparred over the surfacing of yet another photo of a young John Kerry at a 1970s anti-war protest rally with Jane Fonda. Of course, it was later dismissed as a Photoshopped amalgam.
Still, there have been other "mysterious" photos that have emerged with former and current Democratic contenders and controversial 70s figures, such as...
Rep. Dennis Kucinich with Cousin Oliver:
Rev. Al Sharpton with the old dude from "Chinatown":
And of course, Sen. John Edwards with Chrissy and Janet:
The E.T. Atari Game Crusade
20 years ago. Millions of glimmering ET the Video Game cartridges. Buried in a New Mexico landfill. Crushed beyond all recognition by a steamroller. Covered with cement. Sealed away from humanity for all time. Brilliant parable for this current generation, or perhaps the worst Indiana Jones sequel premise ever?
Now, if only they still made video games like this...
A forgotten genre of fiction: 'Kid Noir'
While stuffy literary critics and essayists are busy coughing out cobwebs and brushing the dust off their leather-upholstered sportcoats, a crucial genre of fiction continues unnoticed. I'd like to refer to it as "Kid Noir" - volumes upon volumes of breezy, escapist fiction that generally center around a group of kid sleuths. Not only has it inspired countless movies and cartoons ("The Goonies", "Scooby Doo", among others), its serial format probably influenced genres that I know nothing about, ranging from The X-Files to Harry Potter. A couple of my favorites:
The Hardy Boys
One bizarre thing about the Hardy Boys was their penchant for devising and implementing the flying tackle as their strategm for just about anything. Need to catch an escaping villain? Catch him in a flying tackle. Need to unlock a safe filled with incriminating secrets? Give it a flying tackle. Works every time. Of course, some other critics have led to far more controversial conclusions.
The Hardy Boys also introduced a huge plot device by killing off Frank's girlfriend, Iola, in a car explosion. This automatically bestows us with the following knowledge: we now know where the 90210 writers got the idea of killing Dylan's dad, and we also know that the perpetrators of said crime would meet their grisly deaths at the receiving end of a brutal, merciless flying tackle. Also, the name "Iola" is rarely seen outside of The Hardy Boys and the "Mama's Family" series.
The Three Investigators
A couple of great things here: their "office" was a trailer buried deep within a junkyard, and they had a series of elaborate secret passageways to get inside. What kid didn't want something like that? Also: the similarities to Goonies are unmistakable - the overweight one even dresses like Chunk! (right)
Encyclopedia Brown
What hasn't already been said about this amazing series? I usually don't divulge much about my past crushes on fictional characters, but Sally Kimball could've kicked my butt any day.
Celebrity Math #1
Borrowing a concept from the late, great SPY Magazine for this one. Not particularly insightful, just a tad spooky:
Gone Wumpus Huntin'
My favorite game when I was ... oh, let's say, 6 years old ... was "Hunt the Wumpus." It was for the TI 99/4A, the miniature home computer that has the noted distinction of being the only console ever endorsed by Bill Cosby - in a Freddy Krueger sweater. Among the games in the TI 99/4A library: a Pac-Man ripoff named "Munch Man", a Defender ripoff named "Parsec", and "Wumpus", based off a text adventure game from the 70s (but plays remarkably like Minesweeper.)
Recently, someone came up with a decent online version of the game (note: Java applet), but it still doesn't have the awesome title/death screens from the original. I'm pretty sure that when I first saw those glowing red eyes back in those days, I immediately dropped the joystick and ran downstairs. And probably calmed myself down with some soothing Cap'n Crunch.
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Shine On!
I have a feeling that when I'm 76 and sitting in a nursing home (preferably in a levitating wheelchair), waiting for Merciful Death's sweet embrace, I still will have the "Leon Neon" TV jingle in my head. "What is 'Leon Neon'?" you may ask. It was some sort of toy in the 1980s. I never saw it in the stores, I never held it in my hands, but darned if I could try forcing the jingle out of my head!
X-Entertainment excellently deconstructs the commercial itself, but the flowing refrains and effervescent pop hooks - something of a bizarre cross between Madonna's "Lucky Star" and Kraftwerk - will continue their slog across my neurons for years to come:
Shine on! Leon Neon!
Shine on! Leon Neon!
Bend them, put them together! (All right!)
Twirl them, hang 'em on your ears! (Tubular!)
Twist them... (That's hot!) ...Leon Neon's here!
(Repeat chorus and fade.)
Decision 2004: Exploiting Tragedy
An attack ad released last Thursday by President Bush's campaign features a dark-skinned man as a representation of terror (left), spurring echoes of Willie Horton in 1988.
An AP poll also finds that undecided voters, by a 2-to-1 margin, perceived the imagery of a previous commercial (which had included images of the WTC remnants and a flag-draped casket of a firefighter) to be "inappropriate".
People seem to forget that exploiting national tragedies for political gain is nothing new in this country. Witness this previous commercial:
The Best Dog
A year ago today, my former roommate's dog passed away. He was arguably the best dog I've ever lived with, and my family owned dogs before (not to disparage any of their memories, of course.) I later compiled a bunch of mostly blurry digital photographs into an album.
Girl Scout Cookie Controversy
So I was passing out some Caramel deLites to some of my co-workers, and my world suddenly came crashing down on me when one of them asked,
"'Caramel deLites'? Don't you mean 'Samoas'?"
And then I started thinking to myself... "Do I mean 'Samoas'?" And then I started thinking about the other box of cookies I had wolfed down earlier that day - "Y'know, 'Peanut Butter Sandwich' doesn't sound right... lacks a certain lyricism... I coulda sworn it went by something else."
So I did some quick web research and discovered - to my horror - that Girl Scout Cookies have two different manufacturers, and they get to determine what the cookie name will be! What kind of nonsense is this?
 Peanut Butter Sandwich? | Do-si-do? |
 Caramel deLite? | Samoa? |
 Peanut Butter Patty? | Tagalong? |
The endemic consumer confusion is perhaps perpetuated by the fact that these names are slurred out by bored 7-year-olds. And why they decided to name a cookie after a Filipino language is beyond me.
Other interesting notes about Caramel deLites: That they highlight "Lite" is laughable in itself, and that these things are actually hexagonal (but obscured, of course, by the gobs of caramel and chocolate.)
Decision 2004: Revisiting the Butterfly Ballot
We all remember the controversial "butterfly" ballot from the 2000 election that caused an inordinate amount of elderly Palm Beach County voters to select Pat Buchanan as their choice for President. Here are some other ballot designs that were up for "consideration":
Proposal 1:
Proposal 2:
Proposal 3:
Proposal 4:
Entry numero uno
Here's the first entry. Not much more to say than that.